Rapper Replacement Program Part 1

You should really be getting more enjoyment out of your music. Why waste time listening to overrated, undertalented rappers just because they’re the ones who get all the attention from the radio stations, blogs and magazines? So for you, my readers, I’m going to call out rappers who are lacking and name some rappers who can easily and enjoyably slot into your music rotation so you can get the most out of your listening sessions. First up:

Replace Rick Ross …

Putting aside the fact that he’s a phony (and he really is one – how is the world making a former prison guard famous for rapping like he rode around in cigarette boats with Manuel Noriega?), he’s not a very good rapper. He’s got simplistic, unimaginative flows, average-at-best rhymes and very little in the way of storytelling ability. Not to mention his voice sounds like a dog barking “Jingle Bells.”

… with Raekwon

Really, if you want to listen to a husky dude who can list luxury brands and talk about how great it is to fly around in private jets and drive fancy cars, there are plenty of options. Rick Ross hasn’t cornered the market on anything, except he IS so fat he at least gives rappers a nice code word for when their wallet is too full of money (my pocket on Rick Ross, etc.). Raekwon has been around a long time and he can give you everything Rick Ross gives you PLUS much better rhymes, much better stories and plenty of guest spots from great rappers such as Ghostface Killah. Unless you’re really that into Meek Mill.

Replace Wiz Khalifa …

BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW BLACK AND YELLOW … how is it this guy’s most annoying song is the one that made him famous? How many people really clicked play on that mp3 and said “this dude braying like a donkey about the Pittsburgh Steelers and smoking marijuana really knows how to flow?”

And then he doesn’t even give listeners the most useful information he could offer, which is what it’s like to have sex with Amber Rose. Seriously, don’t even Google search that name at work. He’s not the worst rapper I’ve ever heard, but it’s clear he’s gotten more than a little lucky with both his fame and his dame.

… with Curren$y

Again, if you want to listen to rap about how great weed is, you have plenty of options. Nobody really has that subject matter locked up. But if you’re going to listen to someone talk about such a relaxing drug, why would you want to listen to someone with such a loud, monotonous, grating voice? Curren$y has the appropriate voice, flow and demeanor for a nouveau riche weed addict. And he’s better at rhyming and telling stories than Wiz. As an added plus, if you can’t kick Wiz completely out of your life just yet, Curren$y and Wiz feature together on a lot of tracks. So you can hear direct evidence of how superior Curren$y is at his art and at the same time start to realize that Wiz may just be a donkey someone taught to rap. Donkey anatomy may also explain why Amber Rose likes him.

Replace Drake …

Drake is an easy target. So much of the Internet hip hop intelligentsia (such as it is) derides him for his clothes, his “hey guys, I’m cool too” demeanor, his soft r&b sound, his “singing,” his past as a teenage TV actor. But there’s no question he fills a niche: He’s the rap your girlfriend who doesn’t like rap will listen to. He’s the rapper who’s sitting at a table looking forlorn on his album cover instead of snarling or gripping a chain or a gun or objectifying a woman. And I’ll admit it: He has some very catchy stuff. But most of his music is pretty forgettable. Most of his actual rapping is, shall we say, underwhelming. He’s decent but he’s another guy I can’t help but feel is overly famous, overly lauded despite his shortcomings.

… with Ryan Leslie

If you want catchy, r&b-laden music that still has hip-hop sensibilities and, most importantly, will keep the ladies happy, why not go with self-made musical impresario Ryan Leslie? He’s a one-man hitmaker, creating beats, playing instruments and singing/rapping over his own tracks. True, his rapping is also, shall we say, underwhelming, but he can actually sing, unlike Drake. And if you’re going to listen to a guy who sings and raps, why would you pick a guy who can’t do either well over a guy who can at least do one of those things well? Listen to “Diamond Girl” and tell me it isn’t a better song than Drake’s “Best I Ever Had.” You can’t, unless you’ve got no taste.

 

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